Terrible Jokes, Oh yes let them all out

there was a man with a huge cock and every time he had a date he could'nt get a hard on, so he was that sick he went to the doctors to sort out the problem, so the doctor had a look and came to the conclusion that there was'nt enough muscles in is cock for the size it was so he said come back next week and we will carry out some surgery on it. so he goes back the following week and the doctor says were going to use some muscles from an elephants trunk to strenthen your knob. so 2 weeks later he was geting a hard on no bother, so he decide to ask the girl he wanted to shag for a while if she fancied a date? so on the night of the date they decided to go for a meal, when he was sitting at the table with the lass he felt a twich in his pants and his cock just sprung out and grabed a bread bun of the table next to them
the lass was amaized and says that was great can you do it again
the man replied i no bother pet but i don't think i could fit another bun up me arse:laugh: :laugh:

a lady dwarf goes to the docs and says, "doc, everytime it rains i get a sore snatch." the doctor seems puzzled so asks the dwarf if he may inspect her bits.
"Well" says the doc, "i cannot see anything wrong there, i can only suggest that you come back when you have the pains".

a few days later, during a rather heavy downpour, the dwarf shows up holding her crotch in agony.
"DOCTOR!!!! i'm in agony doc, please help me!!!!"
Once again the doctor inspects her southern parts, "Ah, i may have the problem solved." He reaches for a pair of scissors and starts cutting between the legs of the dwarf. After a minute or two he puts the scissors down, "Try that" he says.

The dwarf hops onto her feet and walks around. "Wow doc, what did you do?"
"Oh" he says, "just trimmed the tops off your wellies."

what do you call a dog with no tongue?

smelly balls

What do you call an anorexic alien?


Nee Tee!

whats red and lives in a tree?





a sanitry owl!!!

What do you call an italian with a rubber toe?























Roberto!

hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

he used to lie awake at night wondering if there was a dog

what do you call a man with a spade in his head?

Doug

Did u hear bout the dyslexic devil worshipper?




He sold his sole to Santa.

Two dyslexics walkin down the street.
One says "Can you smell shit?"
The other one says,
"Shit? I cannot even smell my own name man!!"

whats the diffrence between hard and light??



You can go to sleep with the light on but you cant go to sleep with a hard on!!!!

What do you call a man without a spade in his head?

Douglas

How do you get down from an elephant?











U dont, u get it from a duck!

why do elephants have wrinkles?

wey, have you ever tried to iron one?



how do you turn an orange on?

lick its cirtus.

(bit sick)
A man who was convicted of armed robbery and served 20 years of his sentence was let out of prison, absolutley desperate for a fuck. He had spent 20 years, dreaming of fucking a real woman and he would stop at nothing to get his way. He seemed to remember an old brothel he once visited as a lad. He thought he would give it a try, so he walks down the backstreet and bangs on the door. A woman opens with a fag in her mouth and asks if she can help him. He explains his situation, and bargains with the woman, that she can have his watch in exchange for the cheapest dirtyest girl they had (on account of his watch being a casio). The woman tells him if he goes up to the first floor, and goes in to the first door on the left, e will find a woman there to fuck. So he climbs the stairs, goes up to the first floor and goes in to the first room on the left, does he deed and comes out. He says to the woman " I can't believe ive waited 20 years for this, fucking hell man, i would have rather had a fucking wank!!! i want my watch back!" to which the woman apologises and said since he has just got out of prison and all, that she will let him go again. She tells him to go to the second floor, first door on the left. Again, he climbs the stairs, goes in, does the deed and comes out again, even more angry than before. "what the fucking hell was that? it was even worse than the first?!" so as a gesture of goodwill, she says he can go to the third floor, first door on the left, but he has to wear a black condom. He is so dissapointed with the first two he is quite reluctant to, but, climbs the stairs, goes in, does the deed and comes back down. "JESUS CHRIST! he screams, holy hell!! that was fucking astounding, that was the best fuck i have had in my life, wow!!! but, i must ask one question before i go - why the black condom?
"well, she said slowly, you have to have some respect for the dead."

What do you say to a woman with no arms or legs?









'Nice tits'

Irish joke

The Pope and the Queen are standing on a balcony, underneath them are Irish and English people.

the Queen says to the Pope "I bet I can make the crowd wave a cheer"

She ups her arms and waves at the crowd, all the crowd wave and cheer!

The Pope says "I bet I can make the Irish go mental"

With that he turn around and head butts lizzie right in her mallet and she falls to the ground.

The Irish go fucking ballistic!

Whats grey and comes in pints???




An elephant

Jeremy Beadle's got a tiny cock




But on the other had its massive!!!

LEGEND