jokes thread

Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left."
So they went home.

Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar?

She heard the drinks were on the house.

throw a blonde and a brunette off a cliff. who hits the bottom first??????


the brunette, the blonde has to stop to ask for directions

whats the difference between a blonde and a phone box


it costs 20p to use a phone box

hey i wonder if i can hit 400 posts today

i was only on 200 at the begining of last week

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.

Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man - you don't stand a chance of hitting her from here

Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.

St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful."

"Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"

The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde. He asks, "What is Easter?"

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."

"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.

"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.

The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.

what do u expect m8..uv posted bout 50 in this thread! lol probs more

how do you get 500 cows in a barn

put up a bingo sign

lol

never mind, i determind to his 400 by the end of today





In the middle of an international gynecology conference, an English and a French gynecologist are discussing various cases they've recently treated.

French Gynecologist : "Only last week, zer was a woman ooh came to see me, and 'er cleetoris - eet was like a melon."

English Gynecologist : "Don't be absurd, it couldn't have been that big, my good man, she couldn't have been able to walk if it was."

French Gynecologist : "Aaah, you eenglish, zare you go again, always talkeeng about ze size... I was talkeeng about ze flavour..."

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the woman behind the counter, "Is there a male pharmacist available?"

"No" she says, "My sister and I own this place and we are both pharmacists. How can we help you?"
The man steps back, opens his coat revealing this rather large bulge in the front of his pants and says, "Its been like this for 7 days now, can you give me anything for it?"

"Hmmm", says the woman, "Let me go consult my sister."

Moments later she returns and says, "OK, we'll give you $400 cash and a half interest in the pharmacy

u will at this rate!!

10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

1200 people attended the recent International Psychic Society conference.

Moderator: "How many attendees believe in ghosts?"
(Over 80% of the hands were raised)

Moderator: "How many have actually seen a ghost?"
(58% of the hands were raised)

Moderator: "How many believe that a ghost can be solid?"
(23% of the hands were raised)

Moderator: "How many have ever physically touched a ghost?"
(3% of the hands were raised)

Moderator: "How many have ever had sex with a ghost?"
(After some pause one lonely hand at the back of the hall went up)

Moderator: "May I ask where you are from, sir?"
Attendee: "I am from Australia."

Moderator: "And you say you've had sex with a ghost?"

Attendee: "Oh sorry! I thought you said "goat."

''I just got a new set of golf clubs for my wife!''

''Great trade!''

OTHER HUMOR:


What The Perfect Woman would say:

1. I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.

2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?

3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!

4. Oh come on, what do you say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Susan over for a threesome!

5. God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!

6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?

7. You're so sexy when you're hung over.

8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.

9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.

10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?

11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.

12. I'll be out painting the house.

13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.

14. Honey..our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!

15. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.

17. Your mother did a great job raising you.

18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.

19. I understand fully... our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.

20. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?

21. Christ, not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!

22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.

23. You need your sleep you big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.

24. That was a great fart! Do another one!

25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for you...

26. You'd better drive, you're safer than I am and besides, everyone knows women can't drive.

27. Actually, we shouldn't have been given the vote. We're better off in the kitchen.

28. I think a big motorcycle is a great idea.

29. i don't care if my ass looks big in this, let's just go out and get trashed.

30. Aim where you like, it's really good for my skin.

Did you hear about the 80-pound guy with the 40-pound testicles?

People say he was half-nuts!

Husband: Shall we try a new positon tonight?

Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board and I'll sit on the couch and drink beer and fart!

The salesman stopped at a farmhouse one evening to ask for room and board for the night. The farmer told him there was no vacant room.
"I could let you sleep with my daughter," the farmer said, "if you promise not to bother her."
The salesman agreed. After a hearty supper, he was led to the room. He undressed in the dark, slipped into bed, and felt the farmer's daughter at his side.
The next morning he asked for his bill.
"It'll be just two dollars, since you had to share the bed," the farmer said.
"Your daughter was very cold," the salesman said.
"Yes, I know," said the farmer. "We're going to bury her today."