jokes thread

ohhh theres plenty more where that came from

lol

keep it goin then

If men & women swapped genitals! (From Rocky)

Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too....
And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina...
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.


Top ten things women would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
And, the NUMBER ONE thing women would do if they woke up with a penis...
1. Repeat number 9.

Q: Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Arkansas?
A: Everyone has the same DNA

60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?

A woman goes to the gynecologist for the first time...she's lying on her back with her feet in the stirrups when the doctor comes in.

He lifts up the sheet and recoils in shock.

'My goodness', he says, 'You have a HUGE pussy!'

She's upset, of course, and runs home in tears...

Then she starts to think - this guy would know, right? After all, he IS a doctor. Now she's curious, so she puts a mirror on the floor, strips from the waist down, and stands over the mirror so she can check it out. Just then her husband comes home.

'What the hell are you doing?' he asks.

She's embarrassed to say, so she sways her hips a little and says, 'Oh, I'm just dancing...'

He says, 'Better watch out...You'll fall in that big fucking hole in the floor'

An Ugly Position

What's the position to make ugly babies?
Ask your parents.

Annoying Boy on Bus

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

This woman is driving into a small town and slams on the brakes as a coyote runs across the road in front of her. Just as she regains her wits and gets ready to proceed, a cowboy runs right in front of her and catches the coyote by the hind legs and starts screwing it. 'Oh my God!' she exclaims and drives into town to find the local law.

She sees the local sheriff's car parked in front of the town bar. 'It figures,' she says as she storms inside. The first thing she notices is an old, old man with a long white beard sitting in the corner jacking-off. She runs up to the sheriff who's sitting at the bar with his drink.

"'hat kind of sick town are you running here?! I drive into town and almost run over some cowboy sodomizing an animal.... and then... I come in here.... and see this old man in the corner jacking-off right in public!!!!??'

'Well, ma'am,' the sheriff slowly replies, 'You don't expect him to catch a coyote at his age, do ya?'

Top ten answers men would most like to give to women's stupid questions, but never will.

10. No, we can't be friends, I just want to use you for sex.
9. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all the fucking ice-cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.
8. You've got shit chance of me calling you.
7. No, I wont be gentle.
6. Of course you have to swallow.
5. Well yes actually, I do this all the time.
4. I hate your fucking friends.
3. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonight.
2. I'd rather watch a stick movie. (uh - what is hell is a stick movie? )
1. Eat it? It took me 20 beers to get up the courage to fuck it.

What do fat chicks and mopeds have in common?

They're both fun as long as your friends don't see you on 'em!

This lady goes to the doctor for a check up.
When she gets home her husband asks, "So how did the appointment go?"
She replies, "He said, I have the body of a twenty year old.
Her husband says, "Oh yeah. and what did he have to say about your forty year old ass?"
She says, "Your name didn't come up."

Things you'll never hear a woman say:

1. Do you think this dress makes me look too slim?
2. You take me out too much, can't we just stay in?
3. A fake one will do.
4 You look stressed out, let me give you a blow job.
5. Have a night out with your mates, you deserve it.
6. That Pamela Anderson has a lovely body.
7. My mother is a real old bitch.
8. No, no, you buy me too much already.
9. What headache?
10.no, i enjoy it up the ass

Things you'll never hear a man say:

10. Here honey, you use the remote.
9. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
8. Oooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt! That's one movie I gotta see!
7. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
6. Honey, since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?
5. Sex isn't that important; sometimes, I just want to be held.
4. Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes.
3. Aww, forget Monday Night Football. Let's watch Melrose Place.
2. Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1. We never talk anymore!

Bus Ride

You're so fat, the last time you went on a bus, the ticket read ''Please allow up to 28 days for delivery''

Nuns ran an orphanage for girls in a rural part of Georgia. One day, the Mother Superior called in 3 teenage girls who were about to leave and seek their way in life.

'You have led a very sheltered life and you are going into an extremely sinful world,' she said. 'I must warn you that men will take advantage of you. They'll do anything to get their way. They'll take you to restaurants, buy you drinks and dinner, then back to their apartments and motels where they'll undress you, do terrible things, give you twenty or thirty dollars and kick you out.'

'Excuse me, Mother,' one of the girls asked. 'You mean men will take advantage of us and give us cash?' 'Yes child, why do you ask?'

'Because the priests only give us candy

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

'OK, follow me,' he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

'Now, do you see that tree over there?' he asked.

'YES, YES, YES!!' the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

'Good,' said the first bat, 'because I fucking didn't!'

Mother - daughter chats

A young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since starting university.

"Mum, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend."

"I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."

"Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked.

"The first eight guys felt great, but after them my pussy got really sore."

Why can't a blonde dial 911?


She can't find the eleven.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.

The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?"

With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.

"Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow