jokes thread

An Aussie was marooned on a desert island. His only companions were a male dog and a female koala. The dog and koala hit it off, and for a year the Aussie could only sit and watch while the dog humped the koala senseless.

"Lucky bastard!" thought the Aussie, "I could do with a good shag myself. "

One day a beautiful naked blonde was washed up on the beach.

"Hi. I'll do anything you want me to," she said to the Aussie.

"Great!!! At last, after all this time!!! Take the dog for a walk, love, while I shag this koala

Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?"

His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."

Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out."

So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.

He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass."

Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."

A man is getting ready to fuck his new girlfriend for the first time. He tries to push his dick in, but he can't get it in. He tries and tries, but to no avail. Finally he pushes inside her and starts giving it to her. He says, "Damn, this hurts. It's so tight I can barely take it."

She says, "OK. Let me go to the bathroom and make it a little easier."

He climbs off and she disappears for a few moments. When she returns, she lays down and he climbs back on top of her. He slides in again, and this time it's much easier.

"Ahhh. That's more like it. Did you put some KY jelly in there?"

"Nope," she replies, "I just peeled off the scabs..."

A guy walks into a whorehouse and tells one of the girls he wants a blowjob. The girl takes him to a room and proceeds suck him off without a condom. While she does so, the guy sees a half-full bucket of sperm beside the bed.

He disregards the strange site as he enjoys the best blowjob of his life. A second later, he shoots long lines of semen into her mouth. She takes every drop, but instead of swallowing, she spits the cum into that damned bucket.

The guy wonders aloud, "Don't like swallowing spuzz, huh?"

She wipes her mouth and replies, "Another girl and I have a bet. Whoever fills up a bucket first gets to drink both buckets

A woman walks into the doctors office with a huge boil on her arse.

The doctor squeezes it, pushes it, and then looks at the hard white pus core. He says this is too big a job for me so he sends her to Gus the pus sucker.

The woman goes to Gus who looks at the bulging red, inflamed boil festering with pus and says "this is no problem" and he proceeds to press his lips to her arse and sucks out the pus and core of the boil.

Halfway through, the woman drops a mammoth fart. Gus stops what he's doing, looks up and says "You know lady, its people like you that make this job fucking disgusting."

Re: my gay mate's just told me this.....

lmao!!

Three whores decide to see who has the biggest snatch. They get naked, and start fingering themselves and each other.

After a few minutes, the first one squats on a glass top table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves.

The second one then squats on the table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves, which is even bigger.

The third one squats on the table, but when she stands back up, the first whore says, "You didn't leave an outline."

She says, "Smell the rim."

A girl and a boy were at the back of the cinema, kissing passionately.

When they come up for air, the boy says, "I really love kissing you, but do you mind not passing me your chewing gum."

The girl replies,"It's not chewing gum, I've got bronchitis

someone else must have some jokes!!!!!!!!!!!!


i supose ill have to keep on going then

please do, these aere quality

Two guys were swapping stories in the park one day and one guy (a war vet) mentioned that during the war he was captured and held for weeks without food.

The other guy asked, "How could you survive without food?"

"It wasn't easy," he said. "But I had a big meal before I was captured and learned to eat my own shit."

"WHAT?? That's disgusting!" said the first guy. "I don't believe you!"

Without a second thought the vet reached into his pants, shit in his hand and promptly ate it on the spot.

The second guy (now gagging) said, "My God! If you can do that so easily, we can bet big money and rake in a fortune!!"

"Sounds good to me," said the vet "I can use the money."

The next day the guy had set up a bet with two wealthy but unbelieving high rollers.

"This I gotta see," said one of the gamblers.

"It aint gonna happen," said the other. "No one can eat their own shit."

"Lets do it," said the vet's buddy as he set down a plate full of shit in front of the vet.

The vet looks down ready to dig in, when all of a sudden he bolts from the table and projectile pukes a streak across the room right on the two gamblers. In a rage the gamblers kick the living crap out of both the vet and his buddy, they take their winnings and leave.

"We lost it all!!" said the buddy. "Why in the hell didn't you eat the shit??"

"There was a hair in it!" said the vet

Young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I must have a piss,can I sqeeze past you?"

"Why dont you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see you."

"OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the floor.

The bloke starts feeling horny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and makes a grab.

He feels something long and hard and says, "Urgh! Have you changed your sex?"

"No" she says "I've changed my mind....I'm having a shit instead

A rich man is trying to decide what to get his wife for her birthday.

He asks her if she wants a top of the range sports car. She says “no I don’t want a car.”

“Ok do you want a round the world cruise? “

“no I don’t want a cruise.” She says

“How about a diamond necklace from tiffany’s?”

“no I don’t want a necklace” she says

“Ok so what do you want for your birthday?” the man asks

She replies “a divorce”

The man says “I didn’t plan on spending that much”

A guy picks up a girl in a bar, brings her home, and they start getting it on. He starts sucking on one of her tits and milk comes out.

He says, "Hey, are you pregnant?"

She says, "That wasn't a nipple, that was a boil

hehe

lmfao !!

The confession line was very long and the priest needed to use the bathroom badly. He called in one of the alter boys and asked him to fill-in for a minute. The priest gave him a list of sins & penance. Just match them up.

The first women confessed to giving the neighbor a blowjob and anal sex. These weren't on the list, so the alter boy asked another alter boy, "What does the father give for anal sex and a blowjob?"

"He usually gives me a bag of chips and a soda

A girl goes into a bar.

She says, "Bartender, give me a triple Jack Daniel's."

He gives her a triple Jack Daniel's, and she belts it down. She has five more in a row, belts them all down, passes out dead drunk, and everybody in the bar fucks her.

The next night, she walks into the bar, and says, "Bartender, give me a triple Jack Daniel's."

He gives her a triple Jack Daniel's, and she belts it down. She has five more in a row, belts them all down, passes out dead drunk, and everybody in the bar fucks her again.

The next night, she walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a triple Tequila."

He says, "I thought you drank Jack Daniel's."

She says, "Not any more. Jack Daniel's makes my pussy sore

how many bloody jokes u got! lol

Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... the other is used to carry groceries