Top Tips X File fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'. Domestos is an ideal substitute for Blue Curaco, and far less pricey. It gives any cocktail a bit of 'oomph'. Whilst in bed protect yourself from vampires and werewolves by hiding under the covers. Stop bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view. Pop a few tea bags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppa anytime by just turning on the tap. Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time. Fellas. Next time you have to wrap up a present, don't, because you're shite at it. Give it to the wife and she'll do it properly with extra girlie bows and fiddly bits while you're down the pub. Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you cant and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas. As adverts on the television tell us not to use light switches if we smell gas, I find it useful to always have a candle ready for use in such emergencies Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again. I regularly drive to the pub, but am never guilty of drink driving. The secret is to consume so much alcohol that by closing time you have completely forgotten ever owning a car. Internet users. Try "accessing" your local newsagents and "download" a few wank mags from the top shelf. They're cheaper than computers, and easier to smuggle into the toilet. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place. Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act. Play "Indiana Jones" with your pet mouse using a length of drainpipe and a cricket ball. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator
Promoters: Club on its arse? If so, ensure long term survival by closing the most succesful night at the club, and replacing it (probably) with a gay house night that will get about 4 mincers through the door.
