Tommy Cooper jokes >> Comic genius that was Tommy Cooper! >> >> 1. Two blondes walk into a building....you'd think at least one of >> them would have seen it. >> >> 2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy >> marijuana, press the hash key... >> >> 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. >> The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts. >> >> 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I >> couldn't find any >> >> 5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that >> he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the >> steaks are too high. >> >> 6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled >>him in. >> >> 7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He >> shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, >> "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off. >> >> 8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle. >> >> 9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in >> the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have >> your kayak and heat it. >> >> 10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van >> covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. >> >> 11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. >> Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it." >> >> 12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That >> sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. é¸s it common?' "It's not unusual." >> >> 13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, >>is >> there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's >>have a >> look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he >>checks >> his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? >> Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy". >> >> 14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck >>up my >> backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start." >> >> 15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom! >> >> 16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. >> >> 17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can >>you give >> me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, >>go for >> it.' >> >> 18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 >> people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or >> my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? >> But I think its Colin. >> >> 19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." >> The other one says "So are you, you fat bastard!" >> >> 20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery >>acid, >> and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the >>other one >> off. >> >> 21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. >> They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' >> So that was nice." >> >> 22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in >>several >> places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore" >> >> 23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when >>a >> small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search >>and >> rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that >>number to >> climb As digging continues into the night!
