This weeks Popbitch New! Classified Ads on popbitch.com - advertise your gig, website, sell your car, get a job etc from £10 http://www.popbitch.com/cgi-bin/board/ad.cgi --------------------------------------------------- POPBITCH! _ _ _ _ _ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__ | '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \ | |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | | | .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_| |_| |_| 22.01.03 *issue 149* subscribe or unsubscribe: http://www.popbitch.com our email: hello@popbitch.com * Intoxicating fun with Pilly, Potty and Pissy * The Management lives inside J Lo's head * Charts: David Sneddon is still number one --------------------------------------------------- >> R Kelly vs Matthew Kelly << Who is biggest with the kids? Poor Matthew Kelly. Some ancient diddlings with teenage boys have returned to haunt him, and now every aspect of his private life is open to scrutiny. Such as the fact that he used to live with Dave, the Drag Queen from Channel 4's Faking It. But R Kelly easily eclipses Matthew. Yesterday he was arrested again, this time on charges of possessing child porn. Bet he'll regret calling his new album Chocolate Factory. Old joke: Q: What did the lady say to Matthew Kelly at the beach? A: "Excuse me, you're in my son" --------------------------------------------------- The Zoe-Fatboy split may not affect baby Woody too badly. He already calls his Nanny "Mommy". --------------------------------------------------- >> Pissy, Pilly and Potty << Life inside the Bee Gees fairytale The Bee Gees may have lost a brother, but at least they still have their reputation for being the hardest pill-poppers, drinkers and smokers in the business. According to awed roadies, each brother had their own choice of intoxicant - one used pills, one smoked weed, and the other drank. They were, therefore, known as "Pilly, Potty and Pissy." (Can you guess who was who? Clue: Robin was Potty) (FYI: Pilly ordered 30 Es for his 50th birthday, a few years ago.) --------------------------------------------------- The Bee-Gees were keen Paintball fans. Maurice had opened a paintball supplies shop last summer in Miami, called Commander Mo's. --------------------------------------------------- >> Big Questions << Blind items leading the blind Which eager British Royal wife prefers having sex with women? Which member of the Jude Law North London set is the daughter of a dominatrix? --------------------------------------------------- Jonathan King is the new assistant editor of the Maidstone prison magazine, The Insider. --------------------------------------------------- >> The Halliwell Dynasty << Mandy is the new Geri... only worse There's an appalling demo currently being hawked around London. Its by a band called Frenzy, headed by Geri Halliwell's niece, Mandy. Along with the demo she included no biography or cover letter.... just some press reports pointing out that she says she's shagged Gareth Gates a couple of times. Class. --------------------------------------------------- Poor Anastasia, suffering from breast cancer. The only upside is that it finally proves she's not a man. (FYI: The German for breast cancer is "Brustkrebs".) --------------------------------------------------- >> J Lo's alter ego << Don't mess with The Management Jennifer Lopez is famous for diva demands at concerts and video shoots. What's less well known is that during these shoots, she only refers to herself as "The Management". For example, if she's asked to do something she doesn't want to, she gets out of it by replying with the phrase, "The Management doesn't think that would be appropriate." We hear she wants to get back with P Diddy. They are constantly on the phone to one another, and he still refers to her as "the love of his life." However "The Management" doesn't want that known, as it won't do her career any further good. Unlike, say, a liason with a famous movie co-star such as Ben Affleck. --------------------------------------------------- Anna Friel used to be known as the Coke Fairy, as she'd always leave a line for the next person in the cubicle. --------------------------------------------------- >> Useless Animal Facts << Unless you're a female bedbug, that is Butterflies taste with their feet. Bedbugs engage in "traumatic intercourse" - the male has a dagger-like penis and generally ignores the female's genital opening and sticks his insect-cock directly through the female's back. Much like John Leslie. All Polar bears are left-handed. Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump A Dalmatian is the only dog that can get gout. (FYI: Jonathan King has gout) It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs. --------------------------------------------------- P Diddy's Bad Boy records is close to signing a new deal with Universal, but it's rumoured to be much less lucrative than expected. --------------------------------------------------- >> Brown Love << What sent Bobby to prison hospital? Poor Bobby Brown. He finally seemed to be getting his career back on track with Irv Gotti's Thug Love. But now, having been sent to prison for drunk driving, he has been rushed to hospital. Cruel gossips are suggesting causes ranging from crack withdrawal to the star having suffered an Oz-style bumming incident. --------------------------------------------------- Boxer Chris Eubank is the subject of an Osbournes- style documentary series. The titles feature Chris driving around Brighton in his American truck. --------------------------------------------------- >> Lesliebitch << The curse of the big fat arse When John Leslie was arrested as part of the Ulrika rape investigations, he sent a text to a friend, saying "My big fat arse has got me in trouble again." Hmm... wrong body part. --------------------------------------------------- Re-Born In The USA will feature Tony Hadley, Michelle Gayle, Leee johns, Jason Donovan, Chesney Hawkes and Sonia. All living together on a bus for a month. ---------------------------------------------------
>> Farewell to Werbeniuk << Boozy snooker star kicks bucket Popbitch salutes snooker legend Bill Werbeniuk, who has died aged 56. We love Bill because: 1. He constantly drank lager through snooker matches. It was the only thing that controlled a rare medical condition which caused his hands to shake. 2. He was thus able to write off the cost of all the lager against tax. 3. He was the first snooker player to split his trousers live on TV. 4. When Bill started to suffer the effects of his lager consumption, doctors prescribed him a drug, Inderal. Unfortunately Inderal was on the list of snooker's banned substances, so Bill was faced with a choice of lager or snooker. 5. So, naturally, Werbeniuk chose to give up playing snooker. Bill's last professional match was a 10-1 defeat by Nigel Bond in 1990. Afterwards he declared: "I've had 24 pints of extra strong lager and eight double vodkas and I'm still not drunk." --------------------------------------------------- Keith Chegwin is apparently one of the celebs doing the celeb bar-running TV show at Nylon. --------------------------------------------------- >> Things to make you go Hmm << Bootlegs, Hear'Say and pornstars Coming to Channel Five soon: Celebrity Detox. The show will feature Keith Duffy from Boyzone, Richard Blackwood, Tamara Beckwith and Kim Wilde getting sent to a Thailand spa to spend a week having enemas. The show will, quite literally, be full of shit. Kate Moss has wisely been avoiding the British winter by spending much of January in Thailand. Friends say Jefferson Hack asked her to marry him for the third time, but that she said no. Maybe "The Management" doesn't think he's famous enough? (FYI An 80s pop star who recently met Kate's baby said it didn't move or make a sound once in four hours. It has the makings of a model!) Porn star Jeff Stryker has recorded an album of country songs, including "Pop You In the Pooper." Download the MP3s here: http://www.lgcma.com/lgcma-jeffstryker.htm Carla Bruni, one of the models who had an affair with Mick Jagger, has recorded a pop-folk album. It's number one in the French Amazon lists: http://www.amazon.fr/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000068MKZ/ref=ed_best_h_m_2/402-1826600-8697730 >> Chart Predictions << New entries for Sunday 26 January * Great singles from Busted, Daniel Bedingfield, X-tina and Justin Timberlake propel their 2002 albums towards the top of the charts. * Even for traditionally quiet January, singles sales have slumped. * Universal Music has six of this week's top ten. ++ Number One DAVID SNEDDON Stop Living The Lie Fame Academy headmaster Richard Park said last year, "Guitars are cool, pianos aren't." Oops. ++ Top Ten JAY-Z AND BEYONCE KNOWLES 03 Bonnie and Clyde Beyonce's vocal line references Prince's If I Was Your Girlfriend. The backing was nicked from Tupac. JURGEN VRIES & CHARLOTTE CHURCH Brave New World Unfortunately not Charlotte, but may come in handy: http://www.inflatablechurch.com/ CRAIG DAVID Hidden Agenda Best track on Craig's sophomore album barely breaks top ten. Must be worrying. ++ Top Twenty WILDHEARTS Stormy in the North etc Ginger from the band has stopped drinking for three months on his doctors' advice. LEMON JELLY Nice Weather For Ducks Popbitch has adopted a mallard from London's Wetlands Centre. He's called Popduck. Adopt a duck: http://www.wwt.org.uk/adopt/ DARREN HAYES Crush Darren's middle name is Stanley. ++ Top Forty HELL IS FOR HEROES You Drove Me To It This single was orginally called World Trade Centre and released last year. AUDIOSLAVES Cochise Cochise was a great Native American Apache leader in the late nineteenth century. DJ SNEAK Fix My Sink We once ate Thai food with DJ Sneak in Leeds - he ordered several main courses. ROBIN GIBB Please Bee Gees' Greatest Hits album fails to get post-death sales lift, but at least Robin's unlikely solo hit can help cheer them up. UNDERWORLD Dinosaur Adventure 3D Fan base seems to have disappeared along with Darren Emerson. DRIFTWOOD Freeloader Hard-edged Dutch trance act, with a Dyson-like Hoover sound, say label Positiva. >> End Bit << Please email us stories, facts, gossip, news, whatever: hello@popbitch.com * Can someone send us a Nick Carter album please? * Anyone across Europe update us on Eurovision news? * We'd also like a copy of Topmodelz' version of Olsen Brothers' Wings Of Love. Thanks: lesmcqueen, LT, AN, mrhotel, PF, yootha, flossie MC, smoomonster, michael, missus, MBS, violinz, ulysses, mike_tysons_teeth, SB, queenbea, Al, S, melanie, k, thermaland, sb, pb, bengobaz, costas, sir_dennis_hodge, bk, godzilla, jackie, isambard_kingdom_brulee ********************************* SUPPORT POPBITCH! Thanks to the following for presents: 1. M for the fuckable sheep - which is now handcuffed to our office wall with... 2. ... the fluffy Police Woman handcuffs from Granada Plus 3. Large magazine... for the magazines 4. www.emwritingandmusic.com for the CD and stuff 5. Dirtyfanmail for the CD of obscene letters to porn stars 6. www.egg74.com for sending us some t shirts 7. SH for the blue bippies Please send bribes and prescription drugs to: Popbitch, Charter House, 2 Farringdon Rd London EC1M 3HP ********************************* Subscribe or unsubscribe: http://www.popbitch.com Popbitch is hosted in a nuclear bunker: http://www.thebunker.net Old Jokes Home: Q: What do you call a gay ape? A: Chimp Pansy Still bored? Join the Raelian cloning cult for a seminar. We're going: http://www.rael.org/int/usa/english/events/US-seminar-57.htm
