Peter Kay Theories > >>Peter Kay's Theories.... > >> > >>1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ''Guess'' on it. I said, > >>Thyroid problem? > >> > >>2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I > >>realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked > >>him to forgive me. > >> > >>3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to >go > >>swimming. > >> > >>4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't >get > >>on with my real ladder. > >> > >>5) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. > >>But one day I turned to my bullies and said: ''Sticks and stones may > >>break my bones but names will never hurt me,'' and it worked! From >then > >>on it was sticks and stones all the way. > >> > >>6) My Dad used to say ''always fight fire with fire,'' which is >probably > >>why he got thrown out of the fire brigade. > >> > >>7) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, >you'd > >>better have a good hand. > >> > >>8) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour > >>said ''Are you going to help?'' I said ''No, Six should be enough.'' > >> > >>9) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of > >>meat? > >> > >>10) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous >and > >>give the wrong answers. > >> > >>11) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither. > >> > >>Peter Kay's questions... > >> > >>1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed? > >> > >>2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to > >>the core of the earth? > >> > >>3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? > >> > >>4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your backside? > >> > >>5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do >is > >>stand up and say, ''My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic''? > >> > >>6. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? > >> > >>7. Why does mineral water that ''has trickled through mountains for > >>centuries'' have a ''use by'' date? > >> > >>8. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a > >>horrible crisp that no one would eat? > >> > >>9. Is ''French kissing'' in France just called ''kissing''? > >> > >>10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ''I think I'll > >>squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'' > >> > >>11. What do people in China call their good plates? > >> > >>12. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but > >>don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? > >> > >>13. Why is a person that handles your money called a ''Broker''? > >> > >>14. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? > >> > >>15. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are "over a >billion > >>stars inthe universe," you believe them, but if they tell you "watch >out > >>this is wet paint," you have to touch it to make sure? > >> > >>16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets >mad > >>at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of > >>the window? > >> > >>Peter Kay's Universal Truths > >> > >>1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones. > >> > >>2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying. > >> > >>3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when >your > >>pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger. > >> > >>4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps. > >> > >>5) Everyone who grew up in the 80''s has entered the digits 55378008 > >>into a calculator. > >> > >>6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible. > >> > >>7) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have >a > >>fire in your back garden. > >> > >>8) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl. > >> > >>9) You never know where to look when eating a banana. > >> > >>10) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy >ball. > >> > >>11) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school. > >> > >>12) the most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call > >>your teacher mum or dad. > >> > >> > >>13) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way > >>through and then raced against the flush. > >> > >>14) It's impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee. > >> > >>15) You never ever run out of salt. > >> > >>16) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've >got > >>your hand or head stuck in something. > >> > >>17) No one knows where the metal coat hangers in their cupboards were > >>first obtained from, or has any memory of buying them. > >> > >>18) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had > >>their arm broken by a swan. > >> > >>19) the most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping >on > >>an upturned plug. > >> > >>20) People who don't drive, slam car doors too hard. > >> > >>21) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of > >>wood specifically to stir paint with. > >>
