Middlesbrough Olympic Bid > > >____ In an attempt to influence the members of the International Olympic >Committee on their >____ choice of venue for the games in the year 2012, the organizers of >Middlesbrough's bid >____ have already drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events. > > >____ A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below. > > >____ OPENING CEREMONY > >____ The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native >of the town >____ (preferably from the Pallister Park area), wearing the traditional >balaclava. The flame >____ will be contained in a largeÂ_chip-pan situated on the roof of the >stadium. > >____ THE EVENTS > >____ In previous Olympic games, Middlesbrough's competitors have not been >particularly >____ successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have >been altered >____ slightly to the advantage of localÂ_‘Boro’ athletes. > > >____ 100 METER'S SPRINT > >____ Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one >in each arm) and >____ on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from >a cage 10 yards >____ behind the athletes. > > >____ 100 METER'S HURDLES > >____ As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, gardens, >fences, walls etc.) > > >____ HAMMER > >____ Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to >use (claw, sledge >____ etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily >harm to members of >____ the public within the time allowed. > > >____ FENCING > >____ Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewelry >as possible in 5 >____ mins. > > >____ SHOOTING > >____ A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The >first target will be >____ a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a >post office clerk >____ bank teller or Securicor > >____ style wages delivery man. > > >____ BOXING > >____ Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and >will take place on >____ a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the >wife will be told >____ not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence. > > >____ CYCLING TIME TRIALS > >____ Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and >take an expensive >____ mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the country on his first >trip away from >____ home. All against the clock > > >____ CYCLING PURSUIT > >____ As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the >Australian rugby team, >____ who will witness the theft. > > >____ MODERN PENTATHLON > >____ Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, kiddy fiddling, joy >riding and arson. > >____ THE MARATHON > >____ A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued >with sharp sticks >____ and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round the course. > > >____ SWIMMING > >____ Competitors will be thrown off the Transporter bridge over the Tees. >The first three >____ survivors back, will decide the medals. > > >____ MEN'S 50KM WALK > >____ Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot >guarantee the safety of >____ anyone walking the streets of Middlesbrough. > > >____ THE CLOSING CEREMONY > >____ Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the >Grove Hill Health in >____ the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronized rock throwing and >music by the Whinney >____ Banks Community Choir. The Olympic flame will be extinguished by >someone dropping an old >____ washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next >to the stadium. The >____ stadium will be then boarded up before the local athletes break into it >and remove all >____ the copper > >____ piping and the central heating boiler.
I have far too much time on my hands In an attempt to influence the members of the International Olympic Committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2012, the organizers of Middlesbrough's bid have already drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below. OPENING CEREMONY The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the town (preferably from the Pallister Park area), wearing the traditional balaclava. The flame will be contained in a largeÂ_chip-pan situated on the roof of the stadium. THE EVENTS In previous Olympic games, Middlesbrough's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of localÂ_‘Boro’ athletes. 100 METER'S SPRINT Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes. 100 METER'S HURDLES As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences, walls etc.) HAMMER Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed. FENCING Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewelry as possible in 5 mins. SHOOTING A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk bank teller or Securicor style wages delivery man. BOXING Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence. CYCLING TIME TRIALS Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock CYCLING PURSUIT As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft. MODERN PENTATHLON Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, kiddy fiddling, joy riding and arson. THE MARATHON A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round the course. SWIMMING Competitors will be thrown off the Transporter bridge over the Tees. The first three survivors back, will decide the medals. MEN'S 50KM WALK Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Middlesbrough. THE CLOSING CEREMONY Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Grove Hill Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronized rock throwing and music by the Whinney Banks Community Choir. The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium will be then boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.
