Letters to Viz! Mondays are shite - these will cheer u up! 'If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with,' Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young proclaimed proudly once upon a time. Well I can't be with my girlfriend at the moment, because I'm in Risley Remand Centre awaiting trial for driving offences. And worse, the man in the cell with me is six foot four, called Skull, has Satan tattooed on his forehead and is serving a 7 year stretch for attempted murder. S Hymen, Risley Remand Centre The saying goes, 'See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck.' Well I beg to differ. I'm a matador, and whilst picking a penny up at work the other day I was badly gored in the anus. That's not good luck in my book. Milos el Standish, Barcelona I HAVE recently started to masturbate whilst fantasising about Jeanette Krankie. My problem is that I cannot work out whether I am gay, straight or a paedophile. What do your readers think? D Barclay COULD the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric Abu Hamsa. Les Barnsley, Barnsley 'ONE pound a week will supply water for an entire village in Tanzania', says Oxfam. So how come United Utilities charge me twenty pounds a month for my three bedroom semi? The fleecing bastards. Tracey Cusick, Cumbria HOW come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor. Reg Ashcroft, Bradford So HMV consider Andy Williams and Dean Martin to be "easy listening" do they? Try telling that to my mate Andy. He's been deaf for 20 years. Tim I couldn't sleep the other night so my wife suggested that I try counting sheep jumping over a 5-bar gate. I drove around all night looking for a flock able to perform this feat, but I hadn't found one by the time the sun came up. Needless to say I got even less sleep that night than usual. What a farce. A. Morris, Frampton They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The last edition of High School Anal that I bought featured a young lady stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned out to be an excellent indication of the contents. Mark Roberts According to Nietzsche, 'That which does not kill me makes me stronger'. I'm sure my grandad would not agree. He suffered a series of massive strokes in the early '90s which have left him an incontinent vegetable for the past 12 years. A Thorne, Sandbach IT'S uncanny how some of these old sayings are true. 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder', said my wife as she waved goodbye to me on the way to spend a month with her mother. Since then I have grown quite fond of my next door neighbour. I actually gave her one on the living room carpet this morning. Christopher Hampshire, Bristol I AM becoming sick and tired with the media's politically correct obsession with gay sex. It's getting so that I can't turn on the Fantasy Channel without seeing two naked homosexual women indulging in these sordid practices. I'm thinking of cancelling my subscription. T Cutt, Surrey I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far? Dave Owen, Edinburgh This Value Added Tax is a rip-off. I was expecting a great deal on a car the other day, and I ended up having to pay an extra 17.5% for it. There is no way that's added value. If anything, I'm about three grand out of pocket. Jon Cooke, Leicester The recent suicide of Harold Shipman has thrown up some interesting questions. For a start, does Shipman killing himself take his official tally up to 216, or does it count as an own goal? Where does this final score place our national champ in the world league table? Magnus, Sheffield After suffering a head-on car crash in Northumbria recently, who should I see rubber-necking slowly past the wreckage but haughty TV chef Clarissa Dickson-Wright in her Volvo. Did she stop to offer assistance? Did she bollocks. When she inevitably croaks from heart disease, I fully intend to dance on her grave. G Bryant, Sheffield I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of. Mrs Close, Headingley The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods? John Campbell, e-mail I drank three litres of white cider, a bottle of red wine and then a couple of cans on Friday night. Despite this, I had the shittest Saturday of my life. Can any of your readers explain why, because I am at a loss. Patrick Bateman, e-mail Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius. Mike Woods, e-mail Every time I use my local NatWest cashpoint, the screen says 'You have not been charged for this transaction'. Yet when I check my statement, I find without fail that I have had ten pounds debited for every tenner I withdraw. No wonder the banks are raking it in. Gary Beergut, e-mail With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the twat quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them. Shuggie, Email It's all very well Meg Ryan getting her kit off for her new film, but why wasn't she doing it twenty years ago before her puppies hit the pan? Alan Pick, Kingston-upon-Toast I have just spent three hours making custard using Delia's recipe and it's a triumph, in that it tastes just like Bird's Instant. A.W. Thompson, Email I would like to thank Darren of Chelsea for not coming to Australia with Jenny. She is a great shag. Thanks again. Baz, Bondi Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars. T Barnham, London How come my gran survived the horrors of the Blitz, but has been so badly traumatised by the clocks going back that she can't stop banging on about it? The stupid whispy-chinned bitch. Stuart Duncan, Email
