Jokes One day, a man came home and was greeted by his > wife dressed in a very Sexy > nightie "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do > anything you want." > So he tied her up and went golfing. > > ************************************************** > > A woman came home, screeching her car into the > driveway, and ran into the > house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top > of her lungs, "Honey, > pack your bags. I won the lottery!" > The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, > beach stuff or mountain > stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out." > > > ************************************************** > > Marriage is a relationship in which one person is > always right, and the > other is a husband. > > > ************************************************** > > A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a > driver's license. First, > of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The > optician showed him a card > with the letters: > 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" > the optician asked. > "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the > guy." > > ************************************************** > > Mother Superior called all the nuns together and > said to them, "I must tell > you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in > the convent." > "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm > so tired of chardonnay." > > ************************************************** > > A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her > husband. > Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. > "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more > butter! Oh my GOD! > You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn > them! TURN > THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are > > we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to > STICK! > Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER > listen > to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry > up! Are you CRAZY? > Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. > > You know you always forget to salt them. Use the > salt. > USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" > The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong > with you? > You think I don't know how to fry a couple of > eggs?" > The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show > you > what it feels like when I'm driving." > > ************************************************** > > Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina > mountain man, was > drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic > training, the Army issued > him a comb. > That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his > hair. > On his second day, the Army issued Herman a > toothbrush. > That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his > teeth. > On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap > The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
