jokes - realism - jokes A duck walks into a 7-11 and says "Give me some chapstick, put it on my bill!" But the cash register attendee doesn't speak English and cannot understand him. He does, however, question whether his God is punishing him because as all people know, Ducks cannot speak, however, this hallucination must be punishment for a horrid misdeed. THe employee breaks down into tears and begins reciting prayer. The duck, slightly miffed, walks out, pondering why he'd need chapstick anyway, since he has no lips. A priest, a rabbi, and a buddhist monk walk into a bar, sit at the end and start having some drinks. Two hours later, they come out with a better understanding of each other and a mutual respect, the beginnings of a friendship that last a lifetime. What's the difference between the Pope and Michael Jackson? The Pope is dead. A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel stuck to his crotch. The bartender says, "Hey, you got a wheel stuck to your crotch." The pirate replies, "Yarr, me ship wrecked in a terrible storm and my testicles swelled with an infection while I was knocked unconscious against the wheel. Can you please call a doctor?" How many dead babies can you fit in a blender? The police report indicates three. Man 1: Knock, Knock Man 2: Who's there? Man 1: It's me Johnny. Man 2: Oh, hey man! Come on in, and have a beer. How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? If you call up Steven Murphy Electrical Contractors on (08) 9284 7281 they can send over a qualified electrician to screw it in for you between 9-6 on any working day, guaranteed to arrive within an hour of your call or you get 50% off! What do you get when you stick a knife in a baby? A life-sentence in jail. A white man is driving his Cadillac on a highway in Texas. He notices a black man pushing his bicycle along the side of the road. He pulls over to talk to the black man and offer him a ride. He says "I can't fit your bike in my car, but I can tie it to the back and let you ride behind me. If I'm going too fast, just yell." The black man says "No thanks, that sounds pretty risky" and keeps pushing his bike down the road. What do you get when you're gay? Made fun of. What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede? A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic engineering. So, there were an Irishman, an Englishman and an American wrecked on an island. One day, they found a bottle, and when they opened it, a ghost came out and offered them each a wish. However, even though they wished for different stuff, nothing happened, as the three guys of varying nationalities were just having shared hallucinations from hunger. How do you drown a blonde? Hold her head underwater until she can no longer breathe and stops struggling. Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory? Repeated absences and stealing. A black man is going to get a vasectomy. He shows up to the doctor's office wearing a suit. The doctor says "Why are you wearing a suit?" The black man says "I just got back from a funeral" Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because it was just the decomposing remains of a long forgotten murder case in a remote field. What do you say to a woman with two black eyes? " Would you like an ice pack? " Jesus is hanging on the cross and John approaches. John says: "Jesus, its John. How may I serve thee ain thy time of need?" Jesus replies: "YEEEAAAAAAAARGGHGGGHGGHGGGHGGHGGH!!!!!" A man spends his first day in prison talking to his cell mate. His cell mate gives him a few tips on surviving maximum security in his first weeks there, and then pauses to look outside the bars of the cell. "I got an escape plan", says the man's cell mate. "What is it?" "Put this blanket over your head, and I'll tell you what to do when the guard comes back." The man puts the blanket over his head, and his cell mate begins to rape him. Savagely. A man walks into a bar He drinks 6 Newcastles, 4 shots of Jack Daniels, hits on the waitress unsuccessfully, takes his wedding ring off, tried again and fails, drinks 3 more shots, drives home, beats his daughter for coming home late, and cries himself to sleep realizing that he hates his life. Patrick and Michael were walking along in a forest, when Patrick falls over and breaks his leg on a tree root. In agony, Patrick turns to Michael and says "Quick, call me an ambulance!". Michael replies " Okay I'll just go to that public telephone we saw earlier down the path - I'll be back in five minutes. ". A duck walks into a bar... Animal control is promptly called, the duck is then taken to a near by park and released. Why did the deaf man take his parrot to work? He was weird. A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existance and the extent to which I am now protected by law." Knock knock Who's there? The wallet inspector! Ditch the jokes and come inside, Tim, it's fucking cold. A chicken begins crossing the street and is hit by several fast moving metal boxes with wheels. What's worse then finding a worm in your apple? The Holocaust. A man walks into a whorehouse and pays a prostitute for sex. He contracts an STD and passes it onto his pregnant wife. Their child is born deformed and has a difficult life. When asked if he could see the humor in the situation, the child replied "No. No I don't." A man called a lawyer and asked, "How much will you charge me to answer three questions?" The lawyer said "$400." "Wow," said the man. "Isn't that a lot?" "I guess so." said the lawyer. "When are you going to ask your questions?" How do you know when a Frenchman has been near your house? You don't, really, unless you were there to see him or if one of your neighbors saw him. I wouldn't worry about it, really. Three men are at the FBI Building for a job interview. The interviewing FBI agent tells the first man, 'To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.' The man takes the gun, hesitates, and says, 'Sorry, I can't do it.' The next interviewee enters the office and the agent tells him the same thing he told the first guy. The second man takes the gun, walks into the room, and walks out. 'Sorry, I can't.' he says. The last man enters the office and the inverviewer said yet again explains the test.' The man says "I'm sorry I love my wife too much to do such a harmful thing, I guess the FBI is not for me after all." A guy walks into a doctors office. The doctor tells him, "You need an operation". The guy says, "I want a second opinion." The doctor says*, "Okay, my colleague, Dr. Saknussem, would be happy to provide you with the appropriate consultation. Here's his address, and I'll have my receptionist call him and schedule an appointment. Please try to see him soon, though. At the moment, I'm concerned about the size and location of this tumor, and I think we should move quickly if we're going to get our best results." What's sad about 4 black people in a Cadilliac going over a cliff? They were my friends. The Pope walks into a bar. The bartender says, what'll ya have, Pope? But the Pope's grasp of English is tenuous at best, so he mumbles something in Latin. The bartender doesn't know any Latin. The Pope gets frustrated and leaves. Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new house? No. Well, it's really nice. Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach? She was a schizophrenic How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her There once was a man from Nantucket. He owned a sailboat. I haven't seen him in years. As their plane spirals towards the ground, a young man asks the pretty girl next to him if she would have sex with him, as he does not want to die a virgin. Surprised by this request, she declines, stating that in addition to the sheer inappropriateness of the idea, the mechanics of copulating in a crashing aircraft seem very difficult if not impossible. He agrees and admits that he was only trying to lighten the mood. However, she was busy putting on her oxygen mask and didn't hear this last bit. They both spend the last moments of their lives in anxious reflection.
