Fun & Jokes By THESPENCE (05/11/02) Subject: A Simple guide for a Man provided by a Woman FINE - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments. FIVE MINUTES - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade. NOTHING - This means "something", and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with 'Fine' GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows) - This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine". GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) - This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. LOUD SIGH - This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing" SOFT SIGH - Again, not a word, but a nonverbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content. THAT'S OKAY !! - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow. GO AHEAD - At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. PLEASE DO - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay" THANKS - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome. THANKS A LOT - This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing" Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
Thoughts for the day My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian College Is Just One Big Party, With a £15,000 Cover Charge Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law. If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen
Office Lines 1) Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 2) The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 3) I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 4) Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 5) I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn. 6) I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 7) What am I? Flypaper for freaks? 8) I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 9) I'm already visualising the masking tape over your mouth. 10) Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again... 11) I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 12) It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 13) Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. 14) No, my powers can only be used for good. 15) How about never? Is never good for you? 16) I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. 17) You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication. 18) I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 19) I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.. 20) I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 21) Who me? I just wander from room to room. 22) My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys! 23) It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy. 24) At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. 25) You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 26) I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 27) Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject 28)I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. 29)Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!" 30)My Reality Check bounced. 31)On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. 32)You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. 33)Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. 34)Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
