Dear girlfriend/boyfriend TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND During the last year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often: 54 times the sheets were clean 17 times it was too late 49 times you were too tired 20 times it was too hot 15 times you pretended to be asleep 22 times you had a headache 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby 16 times you said you were too sore 12 times it was the wrong time of the month 19 times you had to get up early 9 times you said you weren't in the mood 7 times you said you were sunburned 6 times you were watching the late show 5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo 3 times you said the neighbours would hear us 9 times you said your mother would hear us Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because: 6 times you just laid there 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling 4 times you told me to hurry up and get on with it 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I'd finished 1 time I thought I had hurt you because I felt you move TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND I think you have things a little confused Here are the reasons you didnt get more than you did: 5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat 36 times you did not come home at all 21 times you didn't cum 33 times you came too soon 19 times you went soft before you got it in 38 times you worked too late 10 times you got cramp in your toes 29 times you had to get up early to play golf 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls 4 times you got it stuck in your flies 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running 2 times you had a splinter in your finger 20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day 6 times you came in your pyjamas whilst reading a dirty book 98 times you were too busy watching footbal, snooker etc on TV Of the times we did get it together: The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was 'Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?' The time you felt me move it was because you farted and I was trying to breathe
