Dear Alcohol Dear Alcohol, I thought I'd take a minute to discuss some troubling factors with you. First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. Your many sides and dimensions are mind boggling (which is a bit different than beer-goggling, which I will touch upon shortly.) Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there when needed - the perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, a glass of wine to set the mood... you're even there around the holidays and, with a touch of cinnamon, you warm us when trapped in the midst of those endless family gatherings. Yet lately, I've been wondering about your intentions. You see, while I want to believe that you've got my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some rather unwise decisions, and therefore inevitable - and often embarrassing - consequences. I will briefly touch upon each below. 1. PHONE CALLS: While I agree with you that communication is an important part of any relationship, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity occurs between the hours of 3-5 am. What is especially disconcerting is when the person on the other line resembles absolutely no one I have known or even met and continually repeats the phrase, "But I don't understand HOW you can be in love with me..." 2. EATING: Now, you know I love a good meal as much as the next guy, and though cooking is far from my specialty, I normally will enjoy the many unique offerings the culinary world has to offer. Keeping this is mind, why you suggested that I eat barbeque sauce-covered mashed potatoes, accompanied by a veggie corn dog and stale corn chips (washed down with cranberry juice and topped off with a Kit Kat bar) is somewhat beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you may have gone a bit far this time. 3. CLUMSINESS: Although you may be "subtly" trying to tell me that I may need to do a bit more yoga to increase my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down flights of stairs (or even in my own driveway, for that matter...) Although you may make a good point, I feel these "lessons" to be a bit extreme and completely unnecessary. 4. PICTURES: I realize that this may be a blessing in disguise, as it can often serve as a frightening reminder of just how powerful of an influence you have over me . Yet, considering the permanency of this modern mechanism called the "photograph", I feel it is only fair to ban the following things from appearing on my head in public from here on in: Sombreros, Lampshades, Bras, Whip Cream (or any other sticky food substance), Neon Wigs, or hats with any type of flashing lights or sexually suggestive messages. Although unlikely, I would also like to request that you no longer suggest that I jump into every picture being snapped, especially when the people taking or posing for the picture are not anyone I actually know or even recognize. 5. BEER GOGGLES: Even if I think I may know her from somewhere, based on most of my recent experiences, odds are ....I don't. So, PLEASE do not suggest that I go over and see, if in fact, I do actually know this tall, shapely, drop dead gorgeous siren (who, more often than not, happens to be accompanied by, what appears to be, this season's heavyweight champion of a maximum security penitentiary.) I beg you, this is NOT the time to pull the old - circa 1996 - phrase, "Hey, didn't we go to high school together?" or the frighteningly more common, "Do you wanna make out?" Even though I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-mouth block that would keep this thought from becoming an actual public statement. Further, I have also noticed that your perception of tall, shapely, and drop dead gorgeous have, at times, been a bit different than my ideas of these (judging from the beasts you have convinced me to take home with me). Now I understand that you are fair, and are trying to help these poor women out of their lonely states, but please remember our agreement and try to lean your instructions a bit more toward those women that I would also consider "hot" without your influence. Lastly, ...the now far-too-frequent hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I know a little penance for our previous evenings' debauchery may be in order, but the 2pm Hangover Immobility (and the new found trend of morning heaving) is a little much to bear. All I ask is that if the proper steps are proactively taken on my part, (i.e., water, vitamin B, bread products, Advil..etc.) prior to going to bed (or passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of pretzels) that the hangover be quite minimal and in no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that matter) activities (which is pretty much anything that requires me to leave the bed or bathroom floor.) Come on now, it's only fair...you do your part, I'll do mine. Alcohol, I have enjoyed our relationship for some years now and want to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when we just don't know what to do with the extra dollars in our pockets. In order to continue this long-term relationship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and begin taking them into account. I hope that we have this matter resolved by no later than Thursday at 5pm (pre-happyhour) so that we continue this fruitful partnership. Thank you for your prompt attention to these matters. Sincerely, Anonymous
