Clubbing message boards A GUIDE TO THE PEOPLE WHO USE CLUBBING MESSAGE BOARDS. (original author unknown) Clubbing message boards are now everywhere: all the magazines have them, many of the clubs do, and of course they’re a big part of most clubbing websites. For those who don’t know much about the boards, we have provided a list of the 20 different types of clubber you’ll find inhabiting any clubbing board: 1. THE MODERATOR The moderator will tell everyone that they own the board, whether they do or not. It’s the Internet equivalent of an old man in a sports car; “come back to my place baby and I’ll show you my message board”. The moderator’s always on a power trip and constantly looking for any excuse to exercise their authority, just to let everyone know who’s boss (as if people care)! Of course, the power never goes to their head, oh no, just like that other bloke, what was his name? Adolf something? 2. THE NEWBIE Everyone begins their message board life as a ‘newbie’ and traditionally pop their posting cherry with a ‘hello, I’m new’ thread. On some clubbing boards the more courteous members reply with a welcoming response, whilst on others the reply is simply “fuck off” (if it’s a local board for local people). Female newbies traditionally get a much more welcoming response than the males (particularly if their username has the word ‘babe’ ‘littlemiss’ or a name with any sexual reference). 3. THE WANNABE DJ The wannabe DJ is the next Andy Farley don’t you know, they’re going to be as big as Sasha, only all they need is a break. The wannabe DJ got their first set of decks 6 months ago, they have a God given talent and they know all there is to know about DJing already. They have a great record collection (consisting of all Tidy Trax releases from the last year) and are capable of playing a wicked bangin set. The wannabe DJ is also very versatile and is capable of playing a funky set that Erick Morillo would be proud of with the three House records they own. The wannabe DJ is going to be the next big thing, their best mate who’s listened to their ‘very ard bangin ard ard House Volume 2’ tape says so. 4. THE ARSEHOLE Being rude on the Internet just doesn’t get boring for the arsehole. They aim to abuse and offend. However, the arsehole usually only has a few insulting phrases in their vocabulary, which they repeat over and over again until they’re either embarrassed into leaving, or when their mother says it’s time for a bath. Usually the arsehole is quiet and shy in person so perhaps if we paid them more attention in real life then they wouldn’t feel the need to show off on a message board and release all the inbound aggression they have pent up in the real world? 5. THE IN-CROWD The in-crowd are a select cliquey group of friends that you’ll find on any clubbing message board. The in-crowd stick together like dog shit on a shoe, sharing their in-jokes and special phrases that only they understand. On some clubbing boards the in-crowd can be offensive, ganging up in unison on the defenceless ‘victim’. Together, members of the in-crowd act clever, cocky and arrogant. However by themselves they're a different person, without their fellow in-crowd members behind them to back them up. 6. THE VICTIM The victim is ruthlessly ganged up and picked on by the ‘in-crowd’ and ‘arsehole’ of a message board for their own amusement. Everything the victim says is twisted and turned around to be used against them. The victim often doesn’t help themselves by putting up messages leaving them wide open for abuse and digs deeper holes with lame replies giving their tormenters more fuel for their fire of abuse. 7. THE DOMINANT FEMALE She is just like the dominant female in a group of chimps. The dominant female lets all the new boys follow her around and sniff her bum. However, this is to the displeasure of the other females in the group who secretly don’t like it but rarely confront her, instead choosing to just scream and beat their chests. The dominant female gets to parade around the board like she owns the place with all the randy adolescent chimps following her, showing off and praising her in the hope they'll get laid (though they rarely do). 8. THE GASH MAGNET The gash magnet is sometimes funny, sometimes cool, sometimes mysterious and sometimes a DJ. Though whatever characteristics the Gash magnet displays they all make the girls drool like a happy cat who assumes the position of a dog on heat whenever they post anything. They also all have the ability to act like they just don’t know they’re good looking and they’d rather not get so much female attention because it makes them feel ’uncomfortable’ - honest! The gash magnets often act all modest and coy in their posts, but it doesn’t mean they’re embarrassed, oh no, it means, “More! Tell me you want to shag me again! More attention! More! More!”. Sometimes they shag the ‘dominant female’. 9. THE ATTENTION SEEKER The attention seeker displays an over-inflated sense of self-importance on the board and as far as they’re concerned it is all about them. Their topics consist of what they’re wearing at the weekend, what they had for breakfast, what colour socks they’re wearing today and anything else they can think of about themselves with a deluded belief that anyone cares. The attention seeker tries to outdo everyone else and they have a unique ability to twist any post into a story about themselves. 10. THE CLOWN The clowns all had funny dads in that ‘dad’ way, hence the constant puns. The clown finds it virtually impossible to post anything without it having a naff gag in it, and when they find themselves in a serious thread they’re out of there faster than a Taliban in Texas. In real life the clown is either as irritating as they are on the board, or they never shut-up and it’s impossible to get a word in edgeways. The clown’s ability to make a joke out of anything means they keep the message board moving, so, unlike in the real world, they do kinda serve a purpose on the board.
11. THE SPAMMER Not interested in the serious posts, the general chit-chat or the complete random bollocks posts the spammer is only on the board to promote their night. They fail to see the appeal of message boards, or understand the goings on, yet to them a clubbing board is an opportunity to seize free advertising and try and attract people to their club. All of the spammers posts will be about their night and they never give up despite constantly seeing their threads drop to the bottom of the page and into Internet oblivion without a single reply. To their credit however, the spammer has a God-given talent to find a link with the theme of any topic to a “new bangin Thursday night Hard House club in Rochdale” which they just so happen to promote. 12. THE SOCIAL ANIMAL The social animal knows everyone on the message board, not only that they know everyone’s real name, their mother’s maiden name and the name of each members first childhood pet. The social animal is on the board 24/7 and have amassed over 10,000 posts in the last year. Their whole life revolves around the Internet and if there’s a meet-up anywhere in the country it’s guaranteed they will be there. The worst thing that could happen to the social animal would be if they lost their Internet access or were forced to miss a meet-up. If this was to ever occur it would be advisable to remove the bottles of paracetemol and razor blades from the social animal’s bathroom. 13. THE SHEEP When the sheep started clubbing they went dressed in cyber to Gatecrasher, then they were a fluffy dressed clubber at Sundissential. However, now some people on the board have said that Sundissential’s shit and Tidy Trax is kids’ music so now the sheep have gone in two different directions. Some of the sheep are now into funky, wearing shirts with white collars and have their hair kinda mulleted at the back with a spiky bit in the middle. The other herd of sheep are still into Hard House, but ’it’s the London scene that’s on it now man, ya know like Karim, proper Hard Hard House’, though of course in 6 months time they’ll be slating that when someone from the board says it’s crap. The sheep are incapable of making their own decisions and will scour the board looking to see what’s cool, and what’s not, then jump onto whatever bandwagon comes along next. 14. THE MUSIC BUFF The music buff knows everything there is to know about dance music and is fountain of useless clubbing information. The music buff will take great pride in telling anybody who will listen who remixed the rare white label of an obscure tune by a producer nobody’s ever heard in 1991. The music buff thinks that by writing massive long winded posts, with loads of big words, that fellow board users will see how knowledgeable and intellectual they are. Though what usually happens is people can’t be arsed to read their messages and will just scroll down and read the next reply on the thread. 15. THE SLEAZE The Sleaze is on the message board for one purpose and one purpose only…to get a shag. When a new female member joins the board they’re as happy as a paedophile in Mothercare and immediately make the first contact with Private Messages welcoming them to the board. The Sleaze believes being so quick off the mark will be the only way to get in the new girls knickers before more good looking, witty and less sleazy board members notice the new member’s presence. Within a few weeks the new girl has blocked the sleaze from MSN and the sleaze moves on to his next target, still hoping to lose his virginity before he reaches 30. 16. THE BIKE There’s a bike on every message board, and everyone (except ‘the sleaze’) has had a ride. The bike is dirty, filthy and has no inhibitions. She will happily reveal all her seediest and most embarrassing sexual encounters on the board without showing a hint of embarrassment. The bike’s aim is to shag as many blokes on the board as possible and the guys love her whilst the girls hate her. The only trouble with riding the bike is that she’ll put a post up about it the next day going into explicit details about her shag with you. 17. THE FLUFFY CLUBBER The fluffy clubber loves clubbing, they love everyone, they love the trees, the stars and they love the fluffy wuffy ickle bunny rabbits. Even if their favourite fluffy tune delivering DJ stopped their favourite fluffy record and declared them a sad bastard over the PA system then they'd still be smiling, jolly and bouncing around like a kangaroo who’d just had a gram of speed injected up its arse. The fluffy clubber is often new to clubbing and in the honeymoon period. In a few years they become ‘the cynic’. 18. THE CYNIC The cynic has been there, done that and got the t-shirt; or so they say. They sneer at everything; clubbing’s not as good as it used to be, the music’s not as good as it used to be, the message board’s not as good as it used to be, the trees aren’t as good as they used to be . If anyone ever has anything positive to say about clubbing, the cynic will always meet it with a negative response; “nah you don’t know what real clubbing is, real clubbing was Shoom in ’88, much better than the shit you’re going on about”. The cynic deserves pity for hanging onto the idealism of the past, and what does ‘having fun’ mean again? 19. THE TROLL The troll is on the board to wreak havoc and cause shit. They’re either a member of the board under a different name, or from a ‘rival’ board looking to sting the ‘enemy’. The troll will post deliberately controversial topics (like ‘clubbing is shit’ or ‘all gay people should be shot’) to try and get a reaction. Despite their valiant attempts however usually the only people to rise to the bait are ‘the fluffy clubber’, who will say that we all should love each other, and ‘the victim’, who falsely believes that by getting on their moral high horse they’ll win friends. A successful troll will get members of a board arguing amongst themselves, though usually the troll is a witless 15 year old school kid with too much time on their hands during half term. 20. THE GUEST On any clubbing message board, at any given time, there will always be a number of ‘guests’. The guest isn’t registered and they never post, instead all they do is read. But who are the guests? Nobody knows for sure. Perhaps they’re clubbers biding their time before they join up? Or they could be people in the dance music industry reading the clubbers’ opinions? Maybe they’re the police seeing what clubbers get up to? Or are they dirty old men masturbating over the photos of young girls in furry boots? Paranoid? You should be!
