Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris Facts

received this in an e-mail today and thought id share its wierd facts.

Some facts about Chuch Norris, that we all should have known
already:

1. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two
seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he
roundhouse kicks you in the face.

2. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips,
but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

3. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his
foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed
Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

4. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he
gets the information he wants.

5. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris
brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a
prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back
to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked
the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that
the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

6. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his
dad did.

7. There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people
who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.

8. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick
related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

9. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order
are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

10. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people
anyway.

11. Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to
"Fucking."

12. When Chuck Norris
sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms
and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to
attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

13. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only
another fist.

14. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who
suck, and Chuck Norris.

15. In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris'
Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they
gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and
roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the
cause of his Parkinson's disease.

16. Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and
meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC
and Tequila.
17. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The
only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the
beginning of the Holocaust.

18. Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right,
left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.

19. Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world
that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck
down.

20. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures
Chuck Norris allows to live.

21. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the
syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

22. Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive
erection. There were no survivors.

23. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck
Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

24. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

25. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a
brick wall in
a game of tennis.

26. When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap!
That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that
point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

27. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass.
At night.

28. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

29. Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to
put up with lactose's shit.

30. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

31. When Chuck Norris does a pushup,
he isn't lifting himself
up, he's pushing the Earth down.


.....On June 7th 1994, Chuck Norris entered the same restaurant supermodel Cindy Crawford was eating at. Instinctively, Cindy swept everything off the table, threw herself on it in a fit of lust, and begged Chuck to ravish her. After Chuck finished his beer, he obliged her. When Chuck's magnificent lead sperm cannoned into Cindy's womb it went straight to one of her ovaries and roared, “Which one of you servile wenches thinks you can handle getting split open by the Chuck!?” All of the eggs cowered in the corner. The same thing happened at the other ovary. “I didn't fucking think so!” shouted the lead sperm which then lead the rest of the troops back into Chuck's balls. Chuck pulled out, roundhouse kicked Cindy in the face and told her, “Don't ever waste my time again.”

:wtf:

Thats genius!!

That was just brilliant!

Re: Chuck Norris Facts

omg i've never laughed so much

I just read it again. And it's still fucking brilliant!

thats the funniest thing i have EVER read



fucking brilliant

>Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
>saying "BOOYA".
>
>If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris
>you may be only seconds away from death.
>
>On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.
>
>Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father.
>
>When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris
>plays dead. When playing dead doesn't
>work, he plays zombie.
>
>It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: the light
>side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
>
>Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest
>substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick
>to the
>face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists
>turned into artificial Chuck Norris.
>
>Chuck Norris carries a man bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby out
>of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact.
>
>Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided
>to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a
>beard.
>
>God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly
>declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
>
>Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
>
>When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was
>10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
>
>Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
>
>A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely
>responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you
>grimly.
>
>Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Jackie Chan in a game of chess. When
>Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Chan in the side of the
>face.
>
>Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful; it can be seen from outer
>space by the naked eye.
>
>Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
>
>Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.
>
>Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with
>water.
>
>If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies just check the extinct species
>list.
>
>Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
>
>Chuck Norris can believe it's not
>butter.
>
>When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said,
>"don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five
>minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a
>few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When
>his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the
>face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
>
>
>We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake
>before they could tell him there was a stripper in it
>
>Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by
>yelling,"Bang!"
>
>In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment Tonight that his
>most memorable role was when he played the third breast on the hooker in
>Total
>Recall.
>
>Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.
>
>If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who
>would win? Chuck Norris
>
>Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.
>
>Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poops them out
>transformed into a robot.
>
>In one episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced
>Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.
>
>Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win
>the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a get out
>of jail free monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green number 4
>card from the game
>Uno.
>
>Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse
>kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or
>hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
>
>Chuck Norris invented water.
>
>Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a
>vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone
>constructed a bar around him. He
>then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground.
>Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the
>way you found em!"
>
>One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his
>left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its
>technical term: Jupiter.
>
>Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the blue ringed octopus of
>Eastern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes
>of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever,
>blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of
>being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
>
>Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's father.
>
>Chuck Norris does not use spell
>check. If he happens to misspell a word, he simply changes the actual
>spelling of it.
>
>Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when
>Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
>
>Before email was invented Chuck Norris would attach messages to kittens and
>roundhouse kick them.
>
>In the original pilot for Star
>Trek Next Generation Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS enterprise
>warp drive with his roundhouse kicks
>
>Chuck Norris was once asked to recommend a club to which he replied 'I am a
>club' and everyone partied on him... Until he roundhouse kicked them all
>because someone spilt his beer

dont think ill ever get bored of readin these

CHUCK NORRIS TOTALLY ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He does indeed, The Delta Force 1 and 2 are fucking amazing

lmao

MORE CHUCK NORRIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS GUY ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!


Chuck Norris violates all the laws of Science, God, Man and Nature in that he is both a pirate and a ninja, simultaneously

When Chuck Norris is smiling, he just killed your dad

When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper

Chuck Norris does not take a bite out of crime. He swallows crime whole and demands seconds

When he is alone at night, Chuck Norris likes to wear slippers with bunnies on them. Real bunnies.

It is Chuck Norris' eye that adorns the Great Seal on the back of the $1 bill. He is all seeing

Chuck Norris once escaped from a Cambodian prison camp by sanding through a rock wall with his facial hair. The guards were outraged. This is why you rarely see an Asian with a beard. Cambodian prison guards no longer allow it.

All Mortal Kombat fatalities are based off of Chuck Norris moves

Chuck Norris defeated Hulk Hogan at the battle of Little Big Horn

The beard of Chuck Norris is made of razor wire, painted with ox blood, and held together by the souls of mortals he has defeated.

A little boy once dressed up as Chuck Norris for Halloween. When he rang Chuck Norris' doorbell, Chuck Norris was so excited that he gave the boy the whole bowl of candy. Two seconds later he roundhouse kicked the boy in the face and took it back.

On the seventh day God rested, because Chuck Norris had him in a sleeper hold

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris goes to the bathroom he craps out perfect dodecahedrons to prove his precision and accuracy in the art of shit taking.

Contrary to popular belief Chuck Norris and Jesus are not the same person. Chuck Norris would never let some candy-ass Romans kill him.

Chuck Norris hates internet piracy but he also loves his fans. If he ever catches you downloading episodes of Walker: Texas Ranger, his conflicting opinions mean that he has to shake your hand and beat you senseless at the same time.

A foolish man once asked Chuck Norris, "Boxers or briefs?" Chuck Norris laughed a mighty and cheerful laugh, then tore the man's intestines out of his ass and used them to strangle him. Yes, remarkable as it may sound, it appears there are some people who are simply unaware that a man as sexy as Chuck Norris can't help but go commando.

If you looked at a sample of Chuck Norris under a microscope, you'd go blind.

If a child ignores the "You Must Be At Least This Tall To Ride" signs at an amusement park, Chuck Norris immediately jumps out from behind the sign and roundhouse kicks the child in the face, before impregnating the child's mother with his beard.

Chuck Norris had sex with your mom, and your dad gave him a high five.

To this day, Chuck Norris still thinks there are only eight planets. Nobody has ever had the nerve to tell him "Uranus is a planet."

On the eighth day, God said, "Let there be Chuck Norris.", but put him into cryogenic sleep after he roundhouse kicked twelve Adams to death.

When Santa was faced with the daunting task of delivering presents around the world, he asked Chuck Norris if he could help. Chuck Norris responded by plucking one hair from his beard and gave it to Santa. Santa, hoping the beard would give him unparalleled speed and martial arts quickness, promptly inserted the beard into his own. Much to Santa's dismay, this caused Santa's beard to turn against him and it began roundhouse kicking him until his cheeks were permanently rosy. When Santa confronted Chuck Norris of this disaster, Chuck Norris merely laughed and roundhouse kicked Santa back to the North Pole. To this day, Chuck Norris is eternally on the "naughty" list.

Chuck Norris wins the Oscar for Best Actor every year. However, he refuses to accept the trophy until Oscar grows a beard.

In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.

The only person ever to beat Chuck Norris in a arm wrestling match was God. Although we all know Chuck let him win.

It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.

i still love these

Oh glee.

chuck norris ruined my life

just like he ruined your mother