booze and football >THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK [and ewe should know] > > Indubitably > > Innovative > > Preliminary > > Proliferation > > Cinnamon > > > THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK > > Specificity > > British Constitution > > Passive-aggressive disorder > > Loquacious Transubstantiate > > > > THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK > > Thanks, but I don't want to have sex > > Nope, no more booze for me > > Sorry, but you're not really my type > > Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight > Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing > >Some football classics ........ > >John Gregory (Aston Villa manager, 1998) >I rang Alex Ferguson to see if he'd swap Collymore for Cole. He thought >for a few seconds, then said: 'How many bags?' > >Brian Clough 1995 (Talking about Kenny Dalglish) When he scored....he >had a better smile than Clark Gable. Beautiful teeth, arms wide, that's how he >celebrated. He wasn't that big but he had a huge arse. It came down below >his knees and that's where he got his strength from. > >Ian St John and Jimmy Greaves (1995 interview) >Q. Who was the biggest influence on your career? >A. Ian St John: Bill Shankly >A. Jimmy Greaves: Vladimir Smirnoff > >Mirandinha (Exchange as Newcastle's Brazilian striker lay injured soon >after his arrival in England, 1987) >Trainer: How are you? >Mirandinha: I'm very well thank you, how are you? > >Tommy Docherty (after yet another red card for Graham Souness at >Rangers, 1988) >They serve a drink in Glasgow called the Souness - One half and you're off. > >The Sun headlines (after Marco Van Basten's hat-trick against England >in 1988 European Championship Finals) >" Orrible Little Basten " > >Bill Shankly (Liverpool manager to reporters after signing Ron Yeats, >1961) He's a colossus. Come outside and I'll give you a walk round him. > >Bob Paisley (1979) >A lot of teams beat us, do a lap of honour and don't stop running. They >live too long on one good result. I remember Jimmy Adamson crowing >after Burnley beat us that his players were in a different league. At >the end of the season they were. > >Liverpool fans joke (1988) >For those of you watching in black and white, Liverpool are the team >with the ball. > >Hugh McIlvanney (Sunday Times writer, 1999) >People talk about Newcastle as a 'sleeping giant'. They last won the >championship in 1927 and the FA Cup in 1955. They make Rip Van Winkle >look like a catnapper. > >Anonymous Scotland Defender (talking about boss Willie Ormond, 1974) >Willie never gave us talks about foreign teams because he couldn't pronounce their >names. But once in Scandinavia he stopped us as we went out and said: >'Watch out for the big blond boy at set-pieces.' When we got out and looked >across at them, there were about six big blonds. Well we were playing >Sweden. > >Two Ronnies (exchange during a Ron Atkinson press conference after a >match between their teams, 1982) >Ron Saunders: Giving the boys the usual old rubbish Ron? Ron Atkinson: >Yes, Ron. I was just telling them what a good manager you are. > >Hugh McIlvanney talking about Jock Stein (1997 TV documentary: Busby, >Stein and Shankly: The Football Men) The greatest manager in the >history of the game. You tell me a manager anywhere in the world who >did something comparable, winning the European Cup with a Glasgow >district XI. > >Coventry Fan (local radio phone-in after Jairo Martinez arrived from >Honduras, 2001) We're used to our manager signing players we've never >heard of. But now he is signing them from countries we've never heard >of. > >Nat Lofthouse (former Bolton & England centre forward, 1986) There were >plenty of fellers [in the 1950s] who would kick your bollocks off. The >difference between then and now is that they would shake your hand at >the end and help you look for them. > >John McGrath (Port Vale manager and ex centre half, to one of his >defenders, 1981) All I want you to do, son, is see how fast their >centre forward can limp. > >Danny Blanchflower (Tottenham captain, recalls his 1st English club, >1961) >I asked the manager for a ball to train with. He couldn't have been more >horrified if I'd asked for a transfer. He told me they never used a ball at >Barnsley. The theory was that if we didn't see it all week, we'd be hungry >for it on Saturday. I told him that come Saturday, I probably wouldn't >recognise it. > >Slavisa Jokanovic (Chelsea midfielder, 2001 programme questionnaire) Q. >England's best supermarket? A. Tesco and Harrods. > >Ron Atkinson (Aston Villa manager, 1993) >We had a very constructive discussion at half time, then decided to >give it the full bollocks. > >Gord0n Lee (exchange between Everton manager and journalist in Morocco, >1978) >Reporter: What are your impressions of Africa? >Gordon Lee: Africa? We're not in bloody Africa, are we? > >Home Farm (Dublin) programme notes, 1985 >Never in the history of the FAI Cup had a team wearing hooped jerseys >lost a final in a year ending in 5. > >John Lambie (Partick Thistle manager on being told that concussed >striker Colin McGlashan did not know who he was, 1993) >Tell him he's Pele and get him back on. > >Stan Mortensen (Blackpool & England player) >I got the ball in the middle of the field and a voice in the centre stand >shouted out: 'Give it to Taylor'. So I gave it to Taylor. Five minutes >later, I got the ball again and the same voice shouted: 'Give it to >Matthews'. So I gave it to Matthews. A couple of minutes later, I got the >ball again, but this time there were three Arsenal players around me. So I >looked up at the stand and the voice came back: 'Use your own discretion'. > >Advert in Yorkshire Evening Post (as 2nd division title race came to >the boil, 1990) >Man offers marriage proposal to any woman with ticket for Leeds v Sheffield >United game. Must send a photograph (of ticket). > >Pat Partridge (Football League referee, 1979) >'Referee what would you do if I called you a bastard?' one player inquired >politely. 'I'd send you off,' I replied. 'What would you do if thought you >were a bastard?' was the next question. 'There's not a lot I could do,' I >answered. 'In that case, ref. I think you're a bastard,' he said, turning >smartly on his heel. > >Neil Midgley (retired referee recalling his 1st Division debut) >My wife, who was in the stand, told me that at one stage the entire row in front of >her stood up and gave me the v sign. I asked her what she did and she said >she didn't want them to know who she was so stood up and joined in. > >Sam Hammam (Wimbledon owner, 1995) >I have to hand it to Manchester United. They have the best players - and >the best referees. >Scouse Benny (columnist, in Foul magazine, 1975) At the ITV Cup Final my >enjoyment was considerably impaired by an occasional high-pitched whine on >my TV set. On ringing up to complain I was told it was Alan Ball. > >Graham Taylor (England manager, describing the English press pack in >Norway, 1993) A very nice bunch of bastards. > >Headline in the Sun (after England lost to Sweden, 1992) Swedes 2 Turnips 1
