Add your jokes here

Add your jokes here

If a small condom fits a small prick , a medium condom fits a medium prick, what fits a fat prick ?
A Manchester United shirt.

A little girl gets lost from her mum in Tescos. The security guard spots her crying and the little girl tells him that she has lost her mother. Whats your mum like ? said the security guard to the little girl. Big cocks and vodka , she replies.

Have just read an article about the dangers of drinking too much. It scared the shit out of me. So today, I have decided never to fucking read again...

Found a 21 year old tied to the railway line last night. I untied her and we had amazing sex all night.
Hoping for a blow job later.... If I can find her head...

A little girl saw 2 dogs shagging. Her mummy said they were baking cakes.

She said back to her mum, "I know you and daddy were baking cakes last night cos I licked the icing off the sofa.

A woman pops into a shop for a new door handle . The bloke behind the counter says " You wanna screw for that ? "
She looked around the shop and said "No, but I will suck you off for that toaster ".

How do you know if you are really ugly ?
When a dog humps your leg with its eyes closed.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby ? They named it Sum Ting Wong.

Why don't old women have smear tests ?
You ever tried pulling a toasted cheese sandwich apart..

lol!!!

A man walks into a dentist's surgery and says,
"Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth."
Dentist: "You don't need a dentist.
You need a psychiatrist."
Man: "Yes, I know."
Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"
Man: "The light was on..."



Sorry!

A little dwarf lady goes into her doctor's office complaining of an itchy fanny.

After an examination the doctor sighs, "I don't seem to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at any time?"

"Yeah, it's really bad whenever it rains," she replies.

"Well, then," says the Doc, "Next time it rains, get in here at once, and we'll take another look at it."

Two weeks later it’s raining really hard and the little lady shows up at the doctor's office. "Doctor, it's really bad today. Please you have to help me!!"

"Well, let's have a look," he says as he lifts her up onto the table.

"Oh, yes, I think I see the problem. Nurse bring me a surgical kit. Don't worry ma'am this won't hurt a bit."

The dwarf lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation. The doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later. "There you go, ma'am, try that."

She walks back and forth around the office and exclaims, "That's great, Doc, what did you do?!"

To which the doctor replied, "I just took a couple of inches off the top of your wellingtons!."

A blonde walks into a bank in London and asks to see the Manager. She says she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.

The Manager says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The
Manager and the tellers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a £200,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the £5,000 and the
interest, which comes to £15.41. The Manager says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionairess. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"

The blonde replies...

"Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting
any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new
dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of
marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no
intention of driving.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was
pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a
northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the
front of the cage along with... "a recipe."

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say
the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell
*BINGO*!

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one' s tall enough to go on the good rides

what do women and clouds have in common?

sooner or later they fuck off and its a beautiful day

what do u say to a scouser in a suit??

may the defendent please rise


(sorry that was shit)

Best joke i've heard in ages!

All of my jokes are crap but here goes:

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and
everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because
of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I
want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous
too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the
last guy in line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the
floor, laughing his ass off. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy calms down and says:" Make 'em all ugly again"

good one that!

lmao!

"Whats your hobby?"

Blind Man "parachuting"

"wow - how do you manage that"

Blind Man "easy- jump out of the plane- feels great, wind on you face -the rush of adreniline is fantastic. An altimeter automatically opens the chute & I glide down to the ground"

"yeh but how do you know when to brace yourself for the landing"

Blind Man "ah that`s easy-the lead on the dog goes slack"