5 Class jokes 1) Subject: Stranded One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over Ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous Blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and says to him, "Tell me, how Long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replies the stunned man. With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her Left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!!" "And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" she asks him. Trembling the castaway replies, "Ten years." She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "WOW, that's absolutely fantastic!" At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh goodLord! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too?" ---------------------- 2) A 90-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asked him how he's feeling. The 90-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins, "I have a friend who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his umbrella and went, 'Bang, bang and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?" The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver." The doctor replied..... "My point exactly." -------------------------------- 3) An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up and sat down next to him. He had spiked hair in different colours; green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared at him. The young man turned to him and said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?" Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and f**ked a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son." 4) A man goes to the doctor's for his wife's test results... Mr Brown: "I'm here for Mrs Brown's test results." Receptionist: "Oh I'm sorry Mr Brown, there's been a problem. We have 2 sets of test results for a Mrs Brown and we don't know which belongs to your wife..... I'm afraid it's bad news or terrible news. One test shows Alzheimer's Disease, the other shows AIDS!" Mr Brown: "That's awful! What should I do?" Receptionist: "The doctor suggested you drop her off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't shag her." 5) A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?" "Well, you pay ten dollars and, if you pass three tests, you get all the money." The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?" "Pay first," says the bartender. "Those are the rules." So the man give him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. "OK," the bartender says, "here's what you need to do. First you have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila... the whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there's a 90 year-old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her." The man is stunned. "I know I paid my 10 bucks, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things ..." "Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is." As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon all the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then....silence. Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large, bloody scratches all over his body. "Now," he says, "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?
