Mr. T Mr. T doesn't pity anyone who likes the Black Eyed Peas. He just kills them. Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood. There are only four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, because Mr. T is going to walk. Mr. T coined the phrase, "I see dead people," after the waiting staff at Denny's forgot his birthday. Mr. T once shook hands with Chuck Norris, or so it appeared. In actuality, their combined power caused an earthquake, which gave their hands a look of shaking to any onlookers, who were probably too scared to accurately testify anyway. On the A-team, Face , Haniabal, and Murdoch were all masters of disguise. Mr T didn't have to wear a disguise. The bad guys didn't recognize him out of fear. Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity. 23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence. Mr. T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr. T in the chest. The result was the 80's. Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors. Mr. T's pity for fools is used by mathematicians as a demonstration of the concept of infinity. Mr. T once pitied the sun. The result was the Ice Age. Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it. Mr. T once rocked the Casbah. Which explains why there is no longer a Casbah. On all 3428 instances it occured, when Mr. T and Chuck Norris both 'deflower' the same woman, the resulting spermal battles have caused the woman's uterus to explode in a flurry of pity and roundhouse kicks. Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is too afraid to shine on him. The "T" in Mr. T stands for a word that can not be translated into any language. If Mr. T were to speak it, being the only person who knows the word, the universe would implode. The last time Mr. T went to McDonald's, Ronald McDonald greeted him. What occured next proved to be the most violent beating of a clown ever recorded in human history. Despite popular belief, if there is a fool in the woods, and nobody is around to hear his jibba jabba, Mr. T is still able to pity him. You have only seen Mr. T in human form. In Narnia, he is a T-Rex with a lion's tail hanging out of his mouth. Behind every great man, there is a great woman. Behind that woman is Mr. T. Mr. T was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain. It took five women 2 years to give birth to Mr. T. Mr. T was the first to kill two birds with one stone. He kept the stone, and as of now it has killed 6,048. Mr. T made his van go twice the speed of light because he wanted to prove that quantum physics was a bunch of jibba jabba. Before Mr. T, the alphabet only had 25 letters. Mr. T doesn't have internal organs. He had them removed to make more room for muscle. Every time Mr. T pities the fool, a porn-star regains her virginity. Then proceeds to lose it to Mr. T. Mr. T took Mother Nature from behind. We refer to the event as the Big Bang.
The Rules of Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't @!%* with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. Chuck always wins unless he lets the Devil win. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wise Man. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wise Men, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris." Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" Of course he can't shoot out of his finger. The German died of fright. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "Booya". Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the fuck out of little kids. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane". If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face. Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris was working out in the gym with one of his daughter-in-laws. In an attempt to impress Norris, she started to train really hard. When she asked Chuck if he was impressed, he replied with "Weights don't hit back" and broke her neck with a roundhouse. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway. Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once. Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day. If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn, sir." That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down. Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier. Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won. Whoever told you there are special effects in the Matrix is lying. For the 360 degree scenes, they just attached a camera to Chuck Norris's left foot. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women. Chuck Norris only masterbates to pictures of Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." When cops pull Chuck Norris over, he writes THEM a ticket. And they never take it to court. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris. On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Chuck Norris was here." The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. A recent poll discovered 93% of women think about Chuck Norris during sex. A similar poll discovered Chuck Norris thinks about Chuck Norris 100% of the time during sex. Bullets dodge Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian. Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own. Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies". It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart. Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green ..4 card from the game UNO. There are 342 parts of Chuck Norriss body that he can kill you with. Chuck Norris can kill two people simultaneously with his nipple. A Chevy truck was totalled in a car accident. It hit black ice, then hit Chuck Norris. You tell me what did the damage. It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: The Light Side, The Dark Side, and Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris knows where in the world Carmen Sandiego is, but he wont tell because he doesnt want anyone to find the body. Chuck Norris had sex with a bear from the INSIDE. Chuck Norris left testicle is comprised entirely of beef jerky. Teriyaki style. Chuck Norris paints his walls by throwing children at them. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. Chuck Norris can divide by zero. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night. When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt. God wanted 10 days to create the world. Chuck Norris gave him 6. Every year on his birthday, Chuck norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas
