Terrible Jokes, Oh yes let them all out

Two sausages in a pan...one says "its hot in here." The other one says:
"Fookin hell a talking sausage!"

Two cows in a field,

one turns to the other and says "i'm a bit worried about this mad cow disease"

the other cow turns round and says "i'm not worried, i'm a helicopter

whats big and white and can't climb trees?


a fridge.

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whats big and blue and cant climb trees?


a blue fridge.

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why are peas small and green?

because if they were big and red they'd be fire engines.

Alex Ferguson walks into a cake shop in govan and asks " is that a macaroon or a meringue" the lady behind the counter replies "your right its a macaroon"

Superman's flyin along one day when he sees wonderwoman sunbathing naked on her balcony. he thinks to himself, i could just nip down, slip her the steel and fly away so fast she wouldnt know what had hit her.
So, faster than a speeding bullet he flies down, quick graft and flies away again.
Wonderwoman opens her eyes, "what the fuck was that?!"
"I dunno," says the invisible man, "but me arse is knackin!!!"

Whats green and sings?

Elvis Parsley

man u had just finished a game and they'd been beatn, so all the players were having there shower and alex ferguson walks in and sees a lump of shit on the floor he shouts at the players who's shit on the floor?? and dwite york jumps up and says me boss but im good in the air:laugh: :laugh:

This black woman comes home one day to find her man standing there with his knob plunged in a bowl of custard. "What the hell you doing Leroy, standin there with your dick in the pudding?" she screams.

"I'm fuckin disgusted" says Leroy

(say it out loud)

Leroy (again) is having touble getting it up. This goes on for a few weeks and his wife gets sick and sends him to the docs to get it sorted. He comes back later looking very dapper, wearing a snazzy 3 piece suit, sporting a monocle and swinging a cane. His wife looks at him and says "what the fuck you doing in that suit Leroy, and what did the doc say about your problem?"

"The doc said I'm impotent" says Leroy

"so why the suit?" she says.

"well I thought if I was so impotent" says Leroy, "I'd better look impotent"

Middle of the swinging sixtiies and Michael Caine is having a party, everyone who's anyone is there. The Beatles are there, John and Paul are off their tits on acid in the corner talking to the green giraffes and stuff, the Stones are there, Mick and Keith are on the sofa with Marianne Faithful doing something dodgy looking with a mars bars, and Jim Morrison's there but he's looking a bit pissed off. So Michael Caine goes over and says "what's up man, you not having a good time?" Jim say "yeah, but I'm feeling horny and I can't pull anything here cos everyone here knows my lass and it woudl get back to her".

"Tell you what mate" says Michael, "you saw that gorgeous blonde over there?" Jim looks and sees this stunningly beautiful bird. "That's Olga" says Michael, "a Russian prostitute. Why don't you sneak upstairs then I'll send her up after you in a minute or 2. But she can just suck you off though cos I'll be fucking her later and I don't want sloppy seconds"

"Spot fucking on" says Jim "That'll do very nicely. "Only thing is" he says "me and the band share everything. So she'll have to suck them off un all". Michael thinks for a second then says "ok ok as a special favour, but just you and the band".

So Jim rounds up the boys and sneaks upstairs, and Michael Caine has a word with the bird, tells her the story and sends her up to do the biz.

Couple minutes after this Ringo Starr goes up for a piss, sees whats happening in the bedroom, fancies a bit so gets in line. Just as he's getting sucked off Micahael Caine comes up to see if everything's ok with Jim, sees Olga sucking Ringo off and starts screaming and shouting "No, No No". Olga looks up confused "vatz up Michael, ees thees a problem?"

"Yeah" he said "you're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!!"

was it you told me that one Ness??

mighta been me mate aye

just been sent this one by an old frend......

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Edna the news he said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindness. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

quality

mustve been a while ago you heard that one dwight yorke?

This thread is well funny!

Why are the no aspirin in the jungle? Cos the parrots-eat-amol

HAHAHAHAHA

A butch scouser is sat at a bar and in walks this little guy about 5 foot 3, he's really well presented and wearing a suit, you can tell just by looking at him that he's gay
He sits at the bar next to the scouser and orders a drink, and after 20 minutes of plucking up the courage he turns to the huge scoucer and whispers "hey, you fancy a blow job?"

The scouser picks up the little guy and carries him out into the car park where he kicks the living shit out him and leaves him fighting for his life in a gutter before returning to the bar

The bartender says"hey that was fairly harsh, what did he say to you?"

The scouser says "Oh i dunno, i didnt hear him properly, something about a job"

mint

A rabbit walks into a job centre, goes up to the counter and says to the guy, "do you have any jobs for rabbit?"
A little shocked at the sight of a talking rabbit, the guy replies, "Im sorry we havent got any jobs for rabbit, and to be honest with you, I never have had a job for a rabbit, and I dont think I ever will have job for rabbit."
The rabbit replies, "Well not to worry, I will keep trying though."
So everyday the rabbit goes into the job centre looking for work, but unfortunately never finding anything suitable, but keeps at it.
Then one day a guy who is organising a circus in town goes to the job centre to advertise for performing animals. The guy behind the counter sees the advert and goes straight over to the guy from the circus and says, "I see your looking for performing animals, well theres this rabbit whos been coming here for some time now looking for a job, and if you wait about half an hour, he`ll be here".
So the rabbit walks through the door and approaches the counter and asks if theres any jobs for rabbit, to which the guy replies. "Well I never thought it would happen, but yes there is. We have a circus who are looking for performing animals, are you interested?"
The rabbit replies, "Performing animals, are you taking the piss? Im a fucking electrician man!!!!!"